What’s another year

That has special meaning for me but I’m not telling. He might not appreciate me telling that story. Lol! 

Well here I am again and I can’t believe that it is two years since I have come back. I expect it’s because I ramble on Facebook. I do have a blog on there but it is mainly talking to myself and nobody else. It’s called Another lifetime for Celia or something like that.  The other account on there is just for chatting with people. I don’t see many humans in real life so it is nice to have an online life.

It is a strange coincidence that it is two years since I have been here. Just passed Saint Patrick’s Day again. I didn’t see a soul. That seems to be the same as two years ago, I hadn’t realised.  Again my family have their own lives to lead and do their own thing and I am not part of that very often. I am often very alone. 

I have read through my previous blogs and notice my comments on Saint Patrick’s Day and why I didn’t want to call it paddies day. Well karma got the man in a big way. He was unwell and in hospital for very many months. I think we had one phone conversation and he said that his ex wife visited him twice and his beloveds children only once. I found that absolutely incredible, though I don’t know why I should as I haven’t seen my one and only brother since before my broken neck but that’s another story. Patrick told me that he had to stay in hospital and have one lung removed and it sounds like there were a lot of problems. He was of a sleeve very depressed and alone and living in a flat. Carmel kicked him out. A huge change from the beautiful house on the Howth Road. He lost his children. He absolutely loved his children. He did everything for them but because of his growth and on to kind manner it came across as bullying as always. He got left with no family and living in a flat alone. He didn’t drink any more and you didn’t go out any more. In the end there was nothing else for him to do and now he is dead. He killed him self. It still makes me think of him on Saint Patrick’s Day and I still don’t like calling it paddies day. 

Easter is only around the corner and people will be off on their holidays and doing different things. It seems the weather is going to be typically Irish and changing from being quite pleasant to its usual horrible self. All the daffodils are up they look very pretty. I even bought two bunches for Cancer charity. That’s ideal day is for cancer research and on principle I hated to buy them because my beloveds Mum died of cancer and all their research seems to have got nowhere. I heard on the radio the other day that there are 16 types of cancer. Everyone has been affected in one way or another by it and it is in every family in Ireland. It is a curse, and evil curse.

Yes Easter again two years later. I can’t remember what I was doing last year. I expect I could look it up in my diary but who cares. I do remember getting a chocolate bunny from Lawrence. I won’t be getting one this year as he won’t be over until a couple of days after Easter so I guess it will be Easter for one.

There is a new person in my life though so it might be Easter for two. Her name is Bella. I think she was one about last August. I got her by mistake. I was looking at a picture of her on Facebook, on a site that is not supposed to sell pets and they are barred from there now. 

  She is my dearest little friend and life would be very very very lonely without her. She is looking pretty worried here and that is not her normal look. 

I can hardly imagine life without her now. Dearest Lawrence hates her because she is going to stop all the great things we are going to do. We haven’t seen to have achieved very many of them yet though.

Great news he retired. He told me he would retire when he was 50, he told me he would retire when he was 55, he told me he would retire when they gave him redundancy. He achieved that at 60.

Great news, I will be retired two years in August. Exactly the same day as he retired. Also unfortunately my wedding anniversary. How ironic.

The 31 Aug seems to be my life changing date.

Other big news, on the leap year a couple of weeks ago Lawrence and I agreed to get married. See all that life changing news. He asked me when and I said Christmas. He said this Christmas? And I said no next Christmas 2017. 

We had more, I should say will have two weddings this year already. His two children. Firstly his son James and Lindsey. The wedding was to be in June but now suddenly the birth of their first daughter is in June. Another life changing event, Lawrence will be a Grandpa. 

That is great news for James and Lindsey, I am very happy for them. They have a beautiful home, both have good jobs and I pray that the child will be beautiful and healthy. I should put healthy first of course, that is the most important thing.

I smiled to myself as they think they have it all planned out. I don’t mean that in a non-kind way but they haven’t the faintest idea what will hit them. If anybody knew what a first baby is like I’m not sure the population would continue to rise. After saying you are never having another one after the first one, after the second one it gets easier. Though of course these days hardly anyone has to put up with the pain and that is a good thing because it is so mind-boggling that it is lucky that nature helps you forget the horror of it. You don’t forget it but you love your child so much that it makes up for it. Babies don’t fit. They just don’t fit. It is like trying to pass a football and they don’t fit. 

Lindsey will have her mother to help her with the baby and that is a Blessed miracle. I am so lucky I had my mum to help as at 18, or two small boys by 19 I would never have coped. She was totally wonderful with them. She was totally wonderful with all of them all five of them. That’s another long story for another day or night perhaps. 

I started this blog by mistake at 4 AM and now it is nearly 5. I know there are spelling errors but I am too tired to check now.

At Jameses and Lindsey’s wedding I met Lawrence’s ex wife for the first time. I know him 16 years next month so we have been together long time. I went and introduce myself to Ann. That was pretty scary and yes she had heard of me. Another long story for another night- perhaps. 

Lawrence’s daughter Anna and Chris are getting married in July and that will be a big event for Lawrence as she is very special in his life. I know he will get through it okay but he will be feeling quite weird about the whole thing and glad when it is over I suspect. Still both his children will be married and have beautiful homes and a good life so they have everything set out for them in a good way and it’s all up to them then. 

Okay I should go to sleep shortly if possible, I might have to read for a little while first as of course my brain is awake now as it usually is at night and during the day I am tired. I am like a baby, back to front. Want to sleep in the day and be awake at night. I wish it wasn’t that way and I do quite well when Lawrence is here. I can hear him breathing and it is comforting. I will see him shortly but he has a big project on at the moment and it is taking up his time. 

Yes life has changed greatly since my last blog I notice.

All my medical issues are still there and increasing all the time but I am just getting on with them. The cause of them and the legal carry on finally wore me down after three years of battle. Suffering from post traumatic stress and trying to deal with two sets of government solicitors and barristers and legal teams was just too much and they can go and fuck themselves. Karma will get them too. 

It was like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders when I realised I just couldn’t win. Of course it is in the back of my mind that I am worth nothing as usual, the same as my divorce. I’m hoping life makes up for it somehow. It is a joy to be retired but I have never been so busy in my life. Though things get done very slowly and Lawrence has already found this out. He is only retired a wet weekend and has discovered that by trying to get things done it is just taking longer and longer as you find more and more stuff that needs doing. It is kind of amusing. 

I am glad that he is getting to see his dad. He was always away or busy and lives in a different country and never had any time for anything really but now he is spending time with his dad. His dad will be 89 on 1 June. 

Okay Celia go asleep. 

Easter Sunday 2014

For some reason it has been a really long day. Perhaps because I woke at about 7:30 AM.
Actually I had woken at 5 AM. I got it into my head to phone my friend in Australia who is dying. Just home from hospital after a few weeks there. Having more treatment. Still no good luck. I can see the end in sight and it is very sad. I have not seen this person since about 1966.
It seems like only a short while ago but of course it’s not. Now I guess I will never see them again.

I’m sure his family are going to find it very difficult. I guess dying is always very difficult for the family, especially if you were close.

Last weekend was the second anniversary of me breaking my neck. I’ve been feeling very very down and sad. I guess it’s because it all comes back to me. How very vulnerable and afraid it makes you feel even two years later. Few people understand, only the people that have been through the same thing. Somehow you feel you were the only one to go through all the outside effects, but this is not true having spoken to a friend who has gone through exactly the same thing.
It changes your life so much, I wonder will I ever get over it. I should have been dead, two years ago, but somehow I am still here.
Sometimes I wonder why, I don’t seem to be doing any good for anyone or of any use. I think I am too demanding and needy of people’s care and affection. I was going to say love but this is not true, it’s not love, it’s just to know that somebody cares about you, that your family care about you, whether you live or die.
You feel like a waste of space at this stage.
Maybe I will be gone soon as I am sure there are other things going on in my stomach that haven’t been detected yet. I haven’t felt well for a very long time. I am following in my mothers footsteps. The couple of years before she died, she felt unwell, unable to do things that she had always been able to do. She was a very strong woman. Then suddenly she began to feel old and tired exactly the way I feel now.
I don’t think I am going to make it much past her birthday. I’m frightened. On the other hand perhaps I will be glad to be out of here. It will be the end of all this useless pain and misery, loneliness, tiredness, being afraid, I can go on forever here. Life is not worth living.

Good Friday Happy Easter

I hear there have been updates on WordPress. Good or bad I haven’t found out yet.
Guess I haven’t put pictures on here and in fact I don’t know how to, yet but I will find out.
Today is an AtHome day. No work! Oh joy! Still loads to do of course.
In fact I find being at home you end up doing more work than sitting at the desk all day bored out of your brains.
It gets a bit worrying when you have so much to do that you get addled and don’t know what your at.
That’s another long boring story, let’s not go there.
Is is the most glorious day. I can see a bright blue sky.
Yes it is looking a bit different on here and now I don’t know what to do next.

Missed another day, another day.. is it a waste or a help

I can’t believe it, I am not in work again, another Friday. This day last week I was sick with the most awful food poisoning. That was memorable.

Today, I am up early, dressed, make up on and just feel so awful I got back into bed. I’m tidying up a few mails and then going back to sleep. I feel absolutely rotten. Felt like that all week in fact.

Monday was a shocker, literally. Hospital tests that involved very low voltage shocks to hands, fingers, wrists and arms but they got stronger and stronger until you felt like you had been plugged into a plug. Really hair raising. Perhaps my hair was raising and I hadn’t realised. It could have been standing up and down on my head without me being able to see it. I asked the lady administering the test do people usually use bad language and she said no they cry. I’m not surprised. It really did shoot up the arms and lasted for about 3 days.
Tuesday I was up at stupid o’clock 4.30am to do the airport run. It totally knocks the stuffing out of me and I was awfully tired.
Wednesday and Thursday was in work and while I am not doing my “proper” work, it all starts next week. The hell begins. The questions, the questions, queries and stuff not working properly.
We are now getting the grilling from hell though from the new big chief who enjoys all sorts of figures and flowcharts and words that none of us in the office understand. We are not top of the tree, we are the worker bees. Does it make her sound more wonderful to use all these initials to make us feel stupid because guess what, it works. It doesn’t however get the work done.

We are getting mountains of extra work to do on stuff that makes no difference. It is to point out how inefficient we are and in truth in a vast amount of cases it is not our fault. Stuff is changed that we know nothing about but we have to take the blame for it. It is ok to be blamed for mistakes you do make, fair enough and everyone makes mistakes but it is a serious pain in the ass if it has nothing to do with you. It should be about making things right, not blaming people.

The wrong equipment was bought for the job in the first place, so that is a major error. Actually let me re-word that. The right equipment was bought but never used properly because of an old fashioned member of staff, long retired, didn’t understand the capabilities of it. So then new equipment was bought in bits and pieces but it never talked to the first MAJOR tried and tested and already 30 years in use equipment. Now there are major problems and there was never any need for them in the first place.

Everyone is blaming the equipment but it is only as good as the people using it. It is making me sick. I cannot deal with all this inefficiency and it is only going to get so much worse going down the line.

Dear Lord I will be so glad to get out of there. I don’t know how I am going to survive but I cannot deal with the mistakes any longer. It’s making me sick.

17 March 2014

It really is St Patrick’s day now. I must wish my family a Happy St Patrick’s day in a few minutes.
I expect they are all going to parades today and/or bringing their children to what events are on in their local area. They could of course be going to their Dad’s for their lunch. He is great at hosting BBQ’S and he might just get away with it today. As I didn’t hear from any of my children for a few days I expect they are all into their plans. They are all adults and the eldest have their own children so they will be under orders.. entertain us.

I used to do the same with my kids when they were little. Struggle with a go-car with 2 children in it, walk into town to the parade. It was always freezing. Get back in time for the impressive leg of lamb and all the trimmings.
Never used that word before …all the trimmings. I suppose it just saves having to suggest what goes with a lamb dinner. I also never used the words roast dinners that people use now a days. It sounds funny to me. It’s either a lunch or a dinner. In those days dinner was at lunchtime. 1 o’clock usually and then you had your tea around 6pm. Now a days of course its mainly lunch and then dinner. Times change and everyone has to do different things and be around at different times. I still like the sitting around the table for the family meal but if I have had to cook it these days, I don’t enjoy it at all. It is to stressy because there are to many people. Actually let me rephrase that. There isn’t enough room in my small house to feed everyone easily. Nowhere to sit and the table packed with plates. I have no room to dish up and have to do one plate at a time. I’m very used to it now of course or I was until I had my accident 2 years ago. Not so easy to cope these days. I would have thought that perhaps at this stage my kids would have thought to invite me for lunch some Sundays but its only happened a few times so far. I am left out. I am not part of our family any more really. Divorce does that to you.
One of the stupidest things I have ever done in my life and there are many of those but it was a biggie. However, I did have 100% very good reasons to go through with it at the time but got let down badly by a lot of people and I am still paying the price. Bitterness being the least of it.
You think you know the people who were your nearest and dearest and some still are but you don’t really. You can rely on no one and trust nobody but yourself in the end. It opens your eyes to things and feelings you never want to feel. You try to think them through, you try with help to think them through, the mistakes you have made, the things you should or shouldn’t have done but it boils down to believing in people. Believing in people doing the right thing and not telling lies, they do and you still can’t quite believe it of people you trusted and loved and thought you knew well all your life. That they turned into liars right before your eyes and the judges eyes. Quite astonishing really. I would never in my life have believed such a thing would happen but it did.
Then happiness should have eventually followed through but it didn’t. The things that were talked about, the hopes and dreams and partly made plans. One leading into the other and is it to late now? How long is a fair time to keep someone waiting to begin living a proper life again. For me 14 years seems far to long. 6-7 years perhaps under the circumstances but double that? What’s the point? is there any point. It is pretty heartbreaking to make so many mistakes. I guess I will find out eventually or I won’t. Personally I think it is all to late. It was just a dream.

St Patrick’s weekend, oh joy! No work on Monday.

I think I can remember only one or two St Patrick’s days being nice, as in warm and sunny. It is 10 degrees here today but the sky is milky blue and gray and not looking very nice. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing and I remember from most of my life it being freezing or raining on St Patricks day.

The American girls in the bands in their Californian type cheer leader clothes looking none to happy but at least they weren’t blue like Irish girlies. They had their tan real or fake on. I doubt it was fake in those days.

It was always a special day in Ireland. I remember getting the bus into town, it must have been with my brother. I must ask him. We always went to the parade but I don’t remember my parents going. I do remember the bus always stopped half way and didn’t go through town. That always sort of scared me as it might not come back and I would be lost.

Now there is an interesting thought. Something I never realised. Most of my nightmares and in fact in real life are about getting lost. Not being able to find my way home, loosing my children..being lost. Never realised I felt it way back then. Must think about that one.

Even approximate readings of addresses on GPS’s these days give me the spooks. They are not correct, I know that is for safety reasons but it doesn’t make me feel safe.
A huge amount of things make me feel unsafe. That is how this particular blog started. I never call St Patricks day Paddy’s day. The Paddy I know only brought fear and total terror to my life. So I hate to hear the day being called Paddy’s day. Although it would sound friendlier. No it is St Patrick’s day.

Paddy was a person that came into the office I worked in. He was frequently there because he did business with my boss. All legal and above board. Especially as he is a Solicitor.
After a couple of years of him coming into the office he made an extremely obscene gesture to me, I thought he was joking and whacked him with a paper, where it hurts and thought no more about it, although I didn’t forget it.
A couple of jobs later somehow I ended up working for him as a legal secretary. Typing out horrendous long boring legal documents. Going to the courts with them to get them stamped and all the other boring stuff associated with the law.

I worked in a very big office, well over several floors and it was extremely busy all the time. I had a very unfortunate encounter one day. I was asked to bring papers up to the office. I did. I walked into the office and Paddy walked behind me and reached up and locked the door from an unseen bolt on the top. The rest is history. To be told another day and perhaps in court not here.
17 people working there and I felt such a stupid fool for walking in there and getting trapped. Being raped is not something you forget. I have never ever forgotten it and it was just another thing that destroyed my confidence, along with about 50 other things that had happened from the day I was born. Oh lucky me, born under a happy star!
I never did report it to the police until a few years ago. Another long story. A really long story.
I felt so stupid. How had I innocently walked into that office and got attacked. I couldn’t believe such a thing had happened…though strangely enough several years later another solicitor said to me, has he attacked you yet. I was so startled I Just brushed it away. This solicitor is a judge now. That could be interesting if the offending solicitor ended up in front of this judge but I guess he would have to declare himself unable to judge, he knows the answer before he asks the questions.

2012

2012 Changed my life. So many things happened to be that I will never be the same again.
I’ve had a few years like that 1990, 2000, but I guess 2012 was one of the Gran Daddies of them all.
This was the year I broke my neck and my life changed forever. I will come back and write my story another time. Let’s see how it goes. See ya later.